As Good As New? Or As Good As Old?

Five months after a brutal ending that left my friend's heart shattered, she got a call from the man who shattered it. For her, he is the ex-boyfriend and her heart has yet to completely let go. While at this point, she is unsure of what he truly wants, she is already considering what she would do, should he decide he wants to resume any form of relationship. I feel like she's not just considering what she would do (which I fear would be to acquiesce to his request), but hoping for the chance to do it...

What is it about the old when disguised as something new that is so irresistible? Is anything old, ever really, 'as good as new'? Or is it just 'like new' until it's old again? Inanimate objects can be repaired and restored to their original likenesses and functions. But, relationships that don't work need change, not restoration, in order to function. If the original didn't work, it never will unless the people involved change.

I'm twenty-six and know relatively little of such things, but what I have been privy to has led me to believe that people capable of real and permanent change are rare. I'd like to think I'm one of them, as I'm sure everyone would, but... I'm probably wrong. I don't mean to say the idea is impossible; just that it's highly unlikely, at least in regards to big change. I am capable of changing small things. I can change habits, my appearance, jobs, friends, locations, attitude, etc. But is changing any of those things really changing?

Changing who you are, is not changing what you do, where you live, with whom you socialize, or where you work. You can change all of those things and still be the same person. Granted it is possible that lifestyle changes may, as an aftereffect, change you, but can you really predict what kind of effect they may have on you? Can you, in any predictable fashion, change who you are just by changing your life?

On the other hand, one could say that all of those things define the person but personally, I don't feel that my life defines me. I guess that might seem a little strange when you think about it but that's why I think I have such a hard time answering, "Who are you?" I don't feel that adjectives can really tell anyone who you are, they just describe the way you are or the things that you do. It's a fine and almost invisible line, but I think it's there all the same.

So people can change their actions, locations, etc. but if they, as a person, don't really change, as most of us can't, then why is it we all seem to think the 'old' boyfriend, or girlfriend, or relationship, will be different this time around? Wouldn't it really just be pretending until the real us shows up again? Well for starters, we think we've seen it happen before; with our friends, our family, and others we know or have heard of... But what have we really seen?

Take for instance, my mother, and her significant other, Noel. They dated in college over thirty years ago. They reunited after my parents divorced and have been together since (over ten years). But back in the sixties their relationship didn't have any major flaws. They didn't last because my mother moved to California and they just weren't ready for anything more. That's not a flaw, that just timing. And, I think many of us mistake bad timing for relationship flaws.

My friend's relationship was not bad timing. It was flawed; even she'll admit to it. And yet, she thinks if he says he'll be different, he will. And, in turn, their relationship will be different; it stands a chance this time around. Is she really attracted to the 'new' boyfriend or is it that she just wants the old one; the same as she did before.

That's where the real person comes into play. She wants him. She doesn't want what he does. She doesn't want their relationship. She wants him. And he may want her. He may not want what she does. He may not want their relationship. He wants her. They know the 'new' is really just 'old'. They just need a reason, an excuse, to give the 'old' a try again because, while it's old, it's still their heart's desire and to deny it is more painful than the 'what if' that didn't work out.

So, what are they supposed to do with that? Well, I've been there and it didn't work out. But hey, while it may be rare, there's always the chance you could be the exception to the rule, so I say, go ahead and lay all of your cards on the table. Tell your friends and family to shut up and support you. Take the leap and hope you land in paradise. It's always possible.

And, in my opinion... It's always worth the risk...