American Inventor. American Dumbass.

An invention… Similar to a cape, but it wraps around the whole of your body from shoulder to toe. Inside, a plastic pouch into which men can relieve themselves; handier still is the funnel device for women. After nature's business has been attended to, the pouch is sealed and the 'cape' folded (pouch inside) neatly into a small duffel bag with a shoulder strap. This; this is what I get for accidentally tuning in an hour early to watch what is now, a rarity: A whole hour of quality fictitious television, otherwise known as ‘Commander in Chief’. I watched ‘American Inventor’ for about four minutes; long enough to witness the unveiling of the invention and promptly gag.

Never mind the pee bag over your shoulder, the fact that you just took a whiz in public (and while sober), or even the idea that there is probably a public toilet somewhere inside of a one mile radius around you; let’s think about what you’d look like on a busy street, at the bus stop (the example given by the hopeful inventor), or elsewhere in public. Ready? Let us visualize: You’re walking. Nature is calling. You stop, pull your pee cape out of its baggy, drape it about yourself and, to the public’s eyes, fumble in and about your crotch area while you stand still for however long it takes to relieve yourself. You disrobe, pack your urine into your pee purse, and continue on your way.

Ridiculous. Stupid. Almost creepy. ABC was kind enough to squander five minutes of my life by airing the segment; a complete waste. I know the producers of these reality programs realize the American masses are inane and slow-witted, but really? Aren’t they only encouraging the dumbasses of America to continue in their unconscious pursuit of mediocrity, ignorance, and ineptitude? Could the network not have found any more interesting and at the same time more intelligent programming?

‘American Dumbass’ may rake in more money than a program on the History Channel because the public just can’t seem to get enough of pee capes, cat fights between two people who can’t even name our Vice President, and the enthralling romanticism of ‘The Bachelor’. But, I’d like to think that if television as an aggregate offered only intelligent programming, the whole of America would eventually be forced to learn something, and maybe, could even learn to write and speak correct English. It is a lofty goal, I know, but one that I believe could be reached should the media, teachers, and parents make an attempt to right the sad state in which America finds itself.

The media plays a large role in prohibiting any change. Even commercials drive me batty. Take for instance Sara Lee, the pastry giant. Their slogan, “Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee” is a DOUBLE NEGATIVE! Now this may not have a great effect on those who know and use correct grammar. I can appreciate how that statement may appear and seem more definitive than, “Everybody likes Sara Lee”. But, most people are dumb and don’t realize the statement is grammatically incorrect. And this organization is putting it in print! Guess what? To the mentally challenged that’s basically saying it’s is; they just don’t know any better.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve even heard people, whom I deemed at least of an average intelligence, using ‘conversate’ instead of converse. That one’s a personal and not-so-pet peeve. I can’t stand it! I think the whole phenomenon started with some rap song and the whole f’ing world jumped on the band wagon. In music, I can forgive grammatical errors because, well it’s music and accurate grammatical phrasing can be impossible. But, it drives me insane that Americans are so ignorant, a song can make ‘dumb’ even dumber.

Ugh.